


Babyshitter

by ChibiArthur



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Connor just wants a pat on the head, Gen, I'm Sorry, Poor gavin, Sprite Cranberry, The Author Regrets Everything, i gave up halfway through, my first attempt at crack, no beta we die like men, practical poop joke, this is so bad i can't even call it practice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-10
Updated: 2019-02-10
Packaged: 2019-10-25 15:56:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17728259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChibiArthur/pseuds/ChibiArthur
Summary: Connor wants to make Gavin's wish come true, Hank has a mighty sneeze and Reed just wants to do his job. Sprite cranberry gets in the way. Or does it?





	Babyshitter

**Author's Note:**

> I am so sorry. This is really bad.  
> CW sprite cranberry and too much dialogue

Connor knew it was going to be the worst day of his life when he walked into the precinct and saw Hank with an obnoxious orange cast on his left leg. Not because Hank arrived before him (that was a fairly normal occurrence ever since Connor discovered the joys of sleeping in) but because of what Hank’s temporary disability implied. He made his way to Hank’s desk trying hard not to sulk. He failed miserably, if the Lieutenant’s pitying smile was anything to go by.

“Sorry Con, I will be pushing papers for a long while”

“It’s fine Lieutenant” it is not, paperwork is the worst kind of hell for an android with processing capabilities like Connor’s. He’s going to self-destruct out of boredom.

“Hey, at least I’ll catch up on those reports Fowler’s been riding my ass about”

Connor barely had time to think that _he_ would most probably have to finish Hank’s reports for him while the Lieutenant dozed off in his chair or played Galaga when their Captain stuck his head out of his glass office and called the android over.

It was in this moment Connor realised that a fate worse than paperwork for a month might await him.

_‘Oh no. Please, don’t let it be what I think it is’_ Connor thought miserably while closing the door to Fowler’s office after himself.

“You wanted to see me, Captain?”

“Yes. Sit down Connor” Fowler vaguely gestured at the chair in front of his desk and shrugged when the android remained standing, with hands folded behind his back. “Suit yourself”

The room was silent for a minute or two that felt like eternity to Connor. If the Captain wanted to talk about what he thought he wanted to talk about then Connor wanted Fowler to get on with it, rip the band aid off quickly.

Finally, the Captain sighed heavily and started talking. “Since Hank will be stuck on desk duty for a while and I can’t afford to keep you out of the field, I’m going to assign you a temporary new partner. And as you know, there’s only one detective who’s without a partner”

Now, Connor expected that but he still chanted _nonononono don’t do this to me please no_ over and over in his head.

“And that detective is Reed”

_‘Piece of shit, fucking meatbag’_ the android didn’t know who he was cussing out in his thoughts, Fowler or Reed, but it did make him feel the slightest bit better.

“As of today you’re working with Gavin, understood?” Fowler at least had the decency to look apologetic. Well, as apologetic as one can look with a permanent Resting Bitch Face.

“Yes Captain” Connor said, though the tone of his voice made it sound more like ‘I’ll kill you in your sleep’ than anything.

The android didn’t wait for Fowler to dismiss him and left the glass office. He sat stiffly at his desk, wondering how to tell Gavin they’re going to be stuck together without rendering him unconscious and coming up with nothing. As always, Hank read his expression like an open book, even though Connor was sure he was keeping his face neutrally blank.

“Out with it”

“I’m going to be working with detective Reed for the duration of your healing period” his voice came out mechanical, like during his voice box testing before he left the CyberLife lab for the first time.

“Ouch. Sorry Con, wish I didn’t sneeze so hard while walking Sumo yesterday”

Connor froze. Out of all the reasons to break his leg, it had to be a stupid _sneeze_? “You- broke your leg because you sneezed?”

“Yeah. Made me sway a bit and step off the curb wrong”

The android couldn’t comprehend the stupidity of it all and just stood up and went over to Reed’s desk, ignoring Hank’s indignant shout of ‘hey, I said I’m sorry!’ As he reached his destination, Gavin immediately glowered at him, holding a sandwich he was eating closer to himself as if Connor was about to take it from him.

“What do you want?” oh, good, no insult this time, it should go swimmingly.

“Lieutenant Anderson has sustained an injury preventing him from going out in the field so Captain Fowler said that the two of us are to work together until Hank recovers”

“No” okay, maybe not.

“I understand your reluctance to wo-“

“I won’t work with you, you plastic phuck, I’m not a babysitter!” Gavin cut him off, the sandwich he was eating transforming the last word to something akin to ‘baby shitter’, which Connor felt compelled to comment on.

“I’m sorry detective, androids do not have a digestive system therefore they do not possess the ability to excrement. I will, however, find a child who won’t be opposed to do so on your person”

“Why you-“ Reed was purple with anger, choking on his sandwich and a plethora of profanities that would no doubt leave his mouth if they could.

“I merely want to assist you in finding your true purpose, detective Reed. I’d be happy to help you fulfil your deepest desires, even if it is something like being a toilet for children. We’re now temporary partners after all”

Connor left a furiously coughing Gavin behind, barely avoiding flying spittle and chewed sandwich projectiles.

***

An hour later the unlikely duo went to investigate a disturbance in one of the local convenience stores. Gavin complained the whole way about doing a beat cop’s job and Connor turned off his hearing biocomponents after one minute of his grumbling, turning them back on only when they were crossing the threshold of the store.

What they saw inside made them pause. Or rather, made Reed stop in his tracks and Connor had to stand still as well if he wanted to avoid running into him.

“What the phck? There’s two of you now?”

There, behind the register, stood an RK900 unit with a name tag that read Sodium Hydroxide. He scoffed with distaste hearing Gavin’s words.

“I’m way more advanced than your _RK800_ pet” he spat Connor’s model number as if it was a curse.

“Wow, your name sure is fitting” Connor deadpanned.

Gavin was confused. “What? Why?”

“Sodium hydroxide is a corrosive substance, detective”

“And that’s relevant because?”

Connor just sighed. RK900 didn’t offer any explanation either.

“Whatever. We’ve been called here because of a disturbance. Can you tell us something about it?”

“Yes”

Gavin whipped out a notepad and a pen, ready to note down everything relevant. However, Sodium Hydroxide remained quiet.

After around 30 seconds of silence Reed made a ‘well, go on’ gesture. RK900 only raised his eyebrows.

“For phck’s sake, Mr Sodium, we don’t have time for this. Can you or can you not tell us about any disturbance around here?”

“I do have the ability to tell you about it. I will, however, not do this”

As Gavin started making dying whale noises, or whatever he calls speaking, Connor looked out of the store’s window. He noticed an AX400 who decided to remain a babysitter even after the revolution. She was pushing a stroller with a tiny baby human inside. Connor perked up. Here was his chance to make Reed’s wish for being a toilet for babies come true! He glanced at Gavin and Sodium Hydroxide. The RK900 was trying to sell Reed sprite cranberry. None of them was paying attention to Connor. Perfect.

Connor slipped out of the store and approached the AX400.

“Hello, my name is Connor. I’m with Detroit Police Department and I need your help”

The AX400 passed him by, not even sparing him a glance.

“Uhm? Hello?” Connor darted in front of the stroller and tried talking to the other android. She kept walking away from him, driving over Connor’s foot at some point. “Now, that wasn’t very nice” he mumbled but was ignored once again.

Finally, Connor’s patience ran out. He grabbed AX400’s arm and forcibly transferred his memories of his talk with Reed at the precinct to her. She stopped and looked at him teary eyed.

“That’s so noble of him!” she cried. “I won’t be the one to stand between him and his wishes! Here, take the baby!” she unbuckled the tiny baby human from the stroller and handed it to Connor. “I’ll wait here, bring little Joe to me after he’s done.”

“Got it” Connor stealthily made his way over to the store. He managed to get directly behind Reed, take off little Joe’s diaper and hold him above Gavin’s head without the detective noticing. Now he just had to wait and hope Sodium Hydroxide won’t say anything.

“For the last time, you plastic cocksucker, I don’t want your stinkin’ sprite cranberry!”

“Do you want sprite cranberry, detective Reed?” RK900 asked using Lebron James’ voice.

“ARGHH!”

It went on like that for a few minutes, Sodium Hydroxide offering sprite cranberry and Gavin yelling at him in an attempt to make him finally talk about things relevant to the case. Connor tirelessly kept his arms raised. Little Joe was scrunching his face up and quietly grunting, indicating that a big poop was on the way. Connor held his breath. He’ll make Gavin the happiest man in the world soon! Connor excitedly bounced on his toes thinking about it.

“Okay, no, phuck that! I’m done! Fowler can phkin’ come here himself!” Gavin turned on his heel and smacked his nose against Connor’s jaw. “What the-“ he glared at Connor and his raised arms. Tilting his face up, he saw little Joe’s butt. His eyes widened and he scrambled to get away but it was already too late. Little Joe let out a mighty fart and expelled the contents of his intestines all over Reed’s face with a satisfied sigh.

“It all could have been avoided if you only bought sprite cranberry, detective” RK900 said, his face neutral throughout the whole ordeal.

Gavin let out some angry close-mouthed noises and Connor promptly fled the scene. He thrust little Joe in the waiting AX400’s arms and ran all the way back to the precinct. He smiled sunnily while outrunning the cars driving parallel to him. He couldn’t wait to tell Hank all about this, maybe he’ll even get a pat on the head for doing a good job?


End file.
